dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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