Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
