we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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