i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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