Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
