i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
