I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
BRING THE BAGELS
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
