I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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