I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
