The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
