this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
