From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
I'm really busy with my period
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