if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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