Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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