I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Randomize
