My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
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