Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Randomize
