who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
