when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I didn't notice because vodka
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
