.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
