is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
