I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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