...so i touched it.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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