The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
