Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
