Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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