Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
