i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
