I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
