I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
