Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
