I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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