That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
