cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
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