I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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