Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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