I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
