Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
