How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
