Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
