Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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