dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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