at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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