i love accidental penises.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
