Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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