So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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