where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
