dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
