I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
