I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
